“You can’t love someone else until you love yourself.
Bullshit, I’ve never loved myself but you,
oh god I loved you so much I forgot what hating myself felt like.”

-Until you left.
Then I remembered.
In a sudden flood of memories and pills and bottles.
I saw the things you once loved.
I saw the things you chose to hate.
I saw myself in a more horrific light.

“Put down the bottle” you told me.
“There’s no reason valid enough for you to hurt yourself.”
Now you have given me a reason.
I… I loved you so much I forgot myself.

I ignored the warnings.
Oh god the warning, they were so clear, they were so obvious but I was blind.
You promised me a life but gave me a dream.
In that dream I thought I was okay.

I thought I deserved love.
As it turns out,
As you proved to me,
All I deserve,
All I’ve ever deserved is pain and all I’ve ever received is pain.

You showed me color,
You unearthed parts of me I didn’t know were there.
Now its black and white again,
Now I know these things but don’t know what to do with them.

“You’re perfect” “I’m not going anywhere” “we’re in this together”
YOU LIED… you lied to me.
Everything you said is now painful to remember
Everything you did I can’t help but remember

I loved you so much I forgot to doubt you.
I forgot to be careful.
I forgot how to hate.

Now…. I still love you.
I love you so much,
But all the hate I forgot, all the hate you helped me bury.
It’s all climbed out from within their graves and are hanging around me,
Covering me like a curtain on all sides.

//Spilled Ink//


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